Losing my husband and perfect peace
Even Ms. Emily Brooks left this year. I realized that God has been very present with me this year than ever before; because even though I miss my husband I have this insane level of inner peace that I don't even understand. There is nothing that didn't happen this year that felt humanly wrong, but that God well understands - and hence the presence of peace and joy in sorrow and the storms is extreme and at its highest level inside of me.
Sometimes I ask God why I am not suffering in the suffering, why is my shattered heart whole; I am supposed to feel lonely but I am overwhelmed by some kind of peaceful presence - I guess that is what He called the Comforter.
In my head I know all this stuff happened, but I feel like God is really taking good care of me.
It feels like the Comforter is like anesthesia, I wonder if God will always keep me on some type of anesthesia, because He never gives us more than we can bear. Whatever He is doing, I just know He is right with me because there is no way I will be doing anything that I am doing without God. I literally passed all my classes last term when everything happened so fast and I was responsible for so many things. This term when I went into the hospital for clinical, I was all okay with it. When we are weak, the Bible says God is strongest, and when we are broken, the word of God says He mends us. Like literally how am I even helping other people, lol, only God - because I kept waking up each day and eating and going and going and doing everything that my husband knew I will be doing. I feel like someone with a dagger that pierced her soul that is going around healing people lol. Only Yeshua - Jesus can do something like that. So He must be the reason and knowing that my husband loved God and prayed with me, happy that I was studying and on a journey to help people.
I know I am so shattered, but the creator is holding all the pieced together and making something out of me that I don't even understand. I like to ask God questions, like what He is doing, what is going on - but I just sense the relax, I got you, I am doing something, you will see one day.I just feel this perfect peace existing in me when I should be in turmoil and screams, but I am being kept in what feels like a healing protected sphere where I am calm and my mind is still working, and everything is functioning even though storms are raging one after the other this year especially of all years of my life. I have this peace about my husband, that God keeps even the dead in the flesh who love the Lord and can resurrect them one day. No matter how much it hurts, I feel like God is going to remain like anesthesia absorbing and neutralizing our pain, because He will never leave us nor forsake us.
(My best-friend went through stuff and also lost her mum, I also did and lost my husband. My other best friends are mind blown and also going through something. We didn't face Covid19 all too bad, we faced something else (pause). It came out of no where type of feeling (even if we knew the probabilities).
- but Lord Jesus is really being real, we are facing what has come with Him and not alone. Physical pain, and pain of loss was real this year - but God like absorbed it from me. We are praying for my friends to get a healing too.)
It's not our time yet
It just was their time, not ours yet
One day we can all see God
Cross over and enter the better place if we believe
God gives us a break, while the enemy does not. God has compassion and he can protect us from all things, and fill us with perfect peace.